There’s been no shortage of chatter about actor and director Justin Baldoni amid his ongoing legal feud with Blake Lively, with one of the more recent comments about him coming from a former employee of his company, Wayfarer Studios.
The ex-staffer’s complaint? Baldoni’s overly upbeat demeanor. “It was constant positivity all the time—I would say toxic positivity,” the anonymous employee told the Los Angeles Times in a March 5 article.
That’s not the only recent public gripe about extreme positivity. Madison Errichiello, from the latest season of the reality dating show “Love Is Blind,” also called out fellow contestant Alex Brown for being too positive, telling People magazine, “that’s something that I just don’t want in my circle of people.”
According to Deborah Serani, PsyD, author of “Living with Depression” and professor at Adelphi University in New York, people are increasingly voicing frustration about those with impenetrable rosy outlooks. “Toxic positivity is a psychological experience that’s gained significant traction over the last decade,” she told Health.
Serani describes the phenomenon “as an overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic belief system for all situations.”
But what might cause someone to be overbearingly positive? And, importantly, how can you know if you’re the one dishing out toxic positivity? Here’s what experts had to say.
Positivity isn’t exactly a bad trait—in fact, research shows a link between positive thinking and health benefits like less anxiety and worry, a stronger immunity to fight disease, and even greater longevity.
There’s even a field of study that emerged in the 1990s called “positive psychology,” which encourages tapping into strengths, virtues, and positive emotions to help people and communities thrive.
The problem, Serani said, is “when aspects of positive psychology are taken to an extreme.” When negative emotions go consistently unaddressed and unrecognized, positivity can turn from healthy to toxic.
Why this happens can vary from person to person. But generally speaking, people who are consistently positive may be more prone to emotional avoidance, a coping strategy that involves pushing away or minimizing internal stress, Natalie Dattilo-Ryan, PhD, a clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard Medical School, told Health.
“It stems from having what psychologists call a ‘low distress tolerance,’ which is an inability to ‘sit with’ discomfort,” she said.
Certain feelings and behaviors might indicate that your generally sunny outlook is more toxic than, well, positive.
One sign is that you feel the need to suppress your own negative emotions, Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, a New York-based psychotherapist, told Health. You might also feel uncomfortable when other people express sadness, anxiety, anger, or fear.
If someone comes to you to vent, your inclination may be to give advice or solve the problem rather than to be present and listen with empathy, Kass added. “If you frequently say things like ‘It’s going to be OK,’ ‘It could be worse,’ or ‘Look on the bright side’—especially when you, yourself, struggle with negative emotions—you may be avoiding genuine feelings,” Kass said.
Looking on the bright side in the face of tragedy or dire situations like illness, job loss, or racial injustice is a privilege not everyone has, said Dattilo-Ryan. “Promulgating messages of positivity denies a very real sense of despair and hopelessness and may only serve to alienate and isolate those who are already struggling,” she said.
Serani said to pay attention to how the person responds to your advice or problem-solving: If they seem angry, irritable, or disappointed, your persistent positivity may have played a role.
“Children may cry, tantrum, or act out,” she explained. “Others may feel so hurt that they’re unable to respond verbally to you. They may use more nonverbal expressions like looking away, changing the subject, or shutting down the conversation by turning away.”
Of course, if your exclusively positive attitude is rubbing others the wrong way, that doesn’t bode well for your relationships.
People might avoid having meaningful conversations with you altogether, Kass said, and your connections can become superficial. “If no one is sharing their true emotions, the relationship will not grow,” Kass said. Due to your staunch positivity, you may feel misunderstood by others or even excluded.
But the downsides go beyond poorer ties to others. Studies have linked excessive positivity to lower resilience, difficulties in academic and work settings, problems managing emotions, poor mental and physical health, financial challenges, risk-taking behavior, and more.
“One of the dangers is that if you chronically ignore your genuine feelings, your stress will no doubt increase, as will other mental health issues,” Kass said.
If you suspect that your persistent sunny outlook has veered into toxic territory, experts suggest striking a better balance between authenticity and optimism.
Serani said when something unpleasant comes up, try reflecting on all of your emotions—even the negative ones. “Being positive doesn’t mean you ignore or deny negative things. It means you acknowledge them while also being confident you can overcome them,” Dattilo-Ryan said.
When people share their feelings with you, Kass said the best approach is to listen and try to understand them rather than immediately offering solutions. “Avoid judging negative emotions or treating them as something to be fixed,” he said.
If you have trouble finding words to comfort a friend or loved one, Dattilo-Ryan recommends asking open-ended questions about how they’re feeling and repeating them, such as, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed. That makes sense, given everything you’re going through.”
Most of all, Dattilo-Ryan stressed, avoid blanket optimism by acknowledging that it’s fine not to be chirpy sometimes. She suggested phrases like, “It’s OK to not have everything figured out right now” or “Sometimes life can be really unfair, and it’s OK to be upset about it.”
“These types of statements emphasize the importance of empathy over cheerfulness, authentic support and non-judgment, and optimism rooted in reality,” she said. “This helps avoid the trap of toxic positivity while still showing care and compassion.”
